Tuesday, January 5, 2016

To Whom It May Concern

Who is in charge of making the Days of the Week panties? I need their address and their email and probably their social security number, because I want to personally ask them what the hell they were thinking. 

You, sir (you know a man did it), are causing an abundance of problems in my domestic life.

I am a fairly organized person. And by fairly, I mean that I sent this text to my husband yesterday:

I am clean and systematic and a creature of habit. I know what every single person is doing and where every single piece of our property is at all times, to the point that I feel sorry for my entire family because I WILL KNOW if you ever cheat on me, sneak out of the house, do drugs, lie, steal, or breathe.

It's not that I want to be this way, it's just that I am. Perhaps I would be better served as a private investigator than a stay-at-home mom. 

Anyway, I'm anal to a fault. But even still, I cannot manage to ever locate the corresponding pair of panties with the current day of the week. Is this some sort of cruel joke, Panty People? Do you like knowing that your consumers are basically in fisticuffs with their children over the inability to properly represent each calendar day on their butt cheeks? 

Surely, you knew this would be an issue, because you included two spare pairs in the panty pack - BFF Day and Fun Day. This is, I assume, to help with the ever-present problem of missing drawers.

But, it DOESN'T HELP. 

They know, Panty People. They know. If it's the wrong day, they know. If they wore them yesterday, they know. If they have had one too many Fun Days, THEY KNOW. 

And what exactly is BFF Day and why should a friend (even a close one) have anything do with one's underpants consideration? 

How do they go missing, anyway? I wash them, I dry them. I used to keep them in a chronological stack. But still, they are not there on the days that I need them. 

Do you understand that most kids have to go to school? I'm quite sure that you do not, because if you did, you would have predicted that parents would waste precious time each morning rabidly looking for an article of clothing that no one will ever even see.

Perhaps you do not dress your own children or maybe you just don't use your own product. I feel like this must be the case, because there is no way you ever played Kid v. Drawers at daybreak and then subsequently declared, "Now this is a genius idea!"

Do you not have children? That must be it. You are not an innovative parent - you are a jokester who is determined to take over the world one crazy parent at a time. 

Well played, Panty Person. Well played.

But here's the deal. I hate your product. I am just biding my time until that tiny hiney outgrows them, and then I vow to never, ever purchase your wares again. In fact, I am going to invent a new line of underpants and make it my life's mission to put you out of business. 

They will be disposable and come in packs of 365. They will promise to be the same Every. Single. Day. They will promote uniformity, frown on self-expression, and have literally nothing to do with friends or fun. Most importantly, they will provide a glorious twenty extra minutes each morning.

They will be called Today Panties and every single pair will simply say:

Take that, evil mastermind. Take that.
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